Call the WAHmbulance!

When I was young I wanted to be something special.  I had modest dreams: rock stardom, award-winning writer, world class athlete, porn star - you know, what every kid dreams of. 

I always wanted to be extraordinary.  The fact is, as with most people, I probably won't be.  After years of insane depression, self-medication, and denial, I'm finally comfortable with that.  For a long time I hated myself because I thought I wasn't special.  Oh, by the way, if you have similar thoughts... DRINK heavily... it helps.  For years I pissed off my wife with my constant self-loathing.  She was supportive as hell, but after awhile she couldn't grasp why I kicked the mental shit out of myself.

Now I have a clear head, and I see that (cue the music), I'm pretty fuckin' cool.  Depression hit me hard and young - like a priest.  When I say I'm cool, I mean that I finally like myself.  I'm a pretty interesting guy with alot of talents, and I've finally convinced the voices inside my head to believe that.

If you have friends with similar thoughts, be patient.  When I would get upset I would shut down.  My thoughts were often irrational and unpredictable, so it was hard to ask me to be rational in dealing with them.  I wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong, and it frustrated the people that cared about me. 

Normally I would say that depression isn't an illness.  My modus operandi is to make fun of things so I don't have to deal with them.  But this was one of the hardest things to shake and I'm honestly still not completely over it.  My point here is that you have to accept what you CAN be.  What you want to be is attainable if you give it your all, and if you're good at whatever it is.  I like who I am now.... I'm a musician, a father to two amazing kids, a husband to a woman that I frankly owe my existence to, and I do my best everyday to be myself.

I know this read like some lame ass after school special, but I'm tired of hating who I wasn't.  Not everyone can be Kurt Cobain, Hemingway, Peyton Manning, or Ron Jeremy... Deal with it... Be your fucking self because you will be spending alot of time with yourself... loser....  haha!

Anyway....

I peed in a cup today... it was fun.