Eat. Fuck. Die.

I'm too smart for God.

The creation of a higher power, or an omnipotent presence, seems silly to me. In biblical times, throngs of frightened people needed answers to questions no one could answer; What is a soul? What happens when we die? Who created man? etc.  It is my summation that God was a product of keeping the terrified masses from anarchy.  How can you demand order in a state of disorder and fear? The threat of consequence, that's how!  It is scary to think that there is an all-knowing being watching our every move, only to smite us if we fall out of line.

Mosquitoes don't go to Heaven....  Cows care not of time.... Cock Roaches know not of regret...

Heaven is the gratification for a rational animal that knows their life will end.  A spider knows to eat, mate, and not die.  It doesn't know that my size 10.5 is about to ruin its' weekend.  We, as humans, know that we expire, and we made up a happy place because we have no clue what happens after.  Where does the truth lie?

I don't know... and frankly, the spectre of death is something that rattles the FUCK out of my cage.  I'm not sure what will happen... but I do not accept that we were made from a rib in a magic garden, nor do I feel that the evolution from single cells to humans is anything less than divine.

I guess the point is that I will continue searching.  As for religion... If there is a God, why is there more than one religion?  But, if religion provides comfort, community, and purpose... well good for you.  I don't fear God, I don't hate spirituality.  I fear death.  I am a rational animal.  And I am going to die.

I Was Born This Way

I had this great plan.  I spent the last couple of days recording some new songs I had written, with hope of putting out music for a new project.  After the eighth or ninth time I rushed to the computer to get little to nothing done, I'm feeling like I always do.... like an abused girlfriend who keeps coming back to the abuser.  Music feels more like a prison than a creative outlet. 

I started a page on Facebook for this new project I called '1FM'.  The idea behind it was going to be a collective of musicians contributing to one record of songs I had written.  Also there would be photographers and podcasts, yadda yadda.  The truth is.... I'm putting so much time and energy into something I have become completely numb to.  Frankly, the one thing I am pretty good at - writing and arranging songs - seems like it's taken my whole life and left me nothing to show but tattoos and cell phone pictures.

I am quickly losing my grasp on who I am.  Music was my identity, but now it seems trivial.  What do I mean to this world? Am I simply waiting to die?  I try to be a good parent, but does that just perpetuate the circle of failure?  The world right now seems very large, and I am feeling quite insignificant.  I would like to think I have a gift to give the world, that I matter in the grand scheme of things... but do I?? It seems more likely that after my grandchildren grow up, I will be merely a memory. 

Ugh..... Maybe the weather is getting to me, but there has to be more.  I don't mean in a 'higher power' sense, but... just... more.  I've been busting my ass for a long time, and it just seems as though everyone else around me is having such an easier time with life than I am.  Maybe it's me.  Maybe I can't adjust as the world revolves.  Sometimes I swear I can feel it moving under my feet. 

I enjoy my job, love my wife, and am so proud to watch my children grow... but I am feeling now that my time is over.  My task now is to simply help them be the best people they can.  With my state of mind at the moment, that just seems like a neverending cycle where no one excels.  I'm feeling like I wasted alot of my life.  I feel like I've failed.... I'm hanging up the guitar for awhile... if not forever... I'm not going to spend one more second being flogged by my own obsession.  At least when you go hunting you come back with a buck... maybe a new hobby.... maybe not.

You Talk Pretty Words

I want to say 'thank you' to everyone who asked me about this blog, and why it disappeared.  I'm glad that at least six of you read it.  I recently started working again, and it is a bizarre shift to where I have very little time where I'm alert and awake enough to come up with witty observations on today's socio-political issues. 

BUT.... I'm happy to be back, and I have some things to talk about!

In this, the age of instant communication, I am seeing a disturbing trend.  In the world of texts, Twitters, and assorted FaceBookery, people are completely unable to form proper sentences, use correct grammar, or SPELL.  Texting is causing an abysmal form of shorthand, and I honestly think that no one under the age of 20 has an understanding of the English language.

I LOL at your hideous grammar.  I ROFL at your egregious misspellings (NOTE: I used spell check to make sure I spelled that correctly..... but I digress).  Oh, and a semicolon is for more than just making flirtatious winking smiley faces.

It seems as though reading and comprehension are going to become irrelevant, and its' sad.  I'm not the smartest person in the world..... Alright, maybe... but, my ability to read well, and use a thesaurus have helped me test better, understand what I read, and make people think I'm smarter than I am because I use bigger words.  You look like an asshole when you don't know the difference between there, their, and they're.  To and too are not the same thing.  READ A BOOK you jackwagon.

Moving along....

I'm one of those rare metrosexuals who loves sports.  I religiously watch the Phillies, 76ers, and Eagles.  However I think the NFL are a bunch of dicks.

This idea that the Super Bowl has to be on a Sunday is retarded.  No offense to any retards reading this, but make it on a Saturday.  They jam it with so many commercials and Black Eyed Peas (more on that later), that it's not over till about midnight.  The lack of workforce on Mondays-after-Super Bowls would be enough evidence for me to move the game to a Saturday, so everyone can have fun, get drunk, win their bets (  <=== SEE -- THEIR... BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO.... nevermind), and I'm sure the NFL would not lose one advertising dollar. 

Also, whomever is planning the halftime shows needs to be drawn and quartered.  The average football fan is, like, some 40 year old, overweight, wife-hating shovenist, who is looking for an escape from his miserable life, and an excuse to drink beer.  He has devoted his entire life to this team, this sport, and - you reward him with the Black Eyed Peas.  Awesome.  They could have had the decency to cuddle with us after they fucked us.  What an absolute shit-show that was.  Joe-schmo, as described above, doesn't give two flying shits about modrern dance-pop.  He wants Dokken, or Metallica, or Maiden, or some other equally testosterone fueled alt-rock.  By the way, the two 'other guys' in that Black Eyed Peas have a sweet deal.  They didn't do shit.  They are hanging on for the ride and I say, kudos other guys. 

Well.... hopefully I have some more things to write about in the future.  Thanks again to the folks who have reached out and asked me to keep writing.  See ya!

The Only Thing That Stays The Same Is Change

I’ve always dreamed of being on stage at Warped Tour.  I’ve always dreamed of touring the country.  I’ve always dreamed of releasing a record.  Thankfully, all of these came true in 2010, but, it was a long journey to get there.  It started at our first show in a bowling alley in Philadelphia, took years to build our fanbase, and cumulated on September 21^st, 2010 with the release of ‘Killing. Mourning. Love’.

To say that my musical journey has been difficult is an understatement.  As a band, Victory In Numbers lost members to lack of interest, lack of heart, and even death – but we soldiered on.  We kept going because we had a neighborhood, no, an entire city rooting for us.  This is something I will never forget, nor take for granted.  So, too, has my life journey been a difficult and unpredictable one.

My life changed on September 4^th, 2004, and became complete on September 3^rd, 2009 with the birth of my children. At 21 years old, I had to find a way to get out of my mothers’ basement and become a provider.  Suddenly I had to be more than the frontman on stage.  I had to be more than the benefactor of a decade performing around the Philadelphia music circuit.  And after the last two years of trying to break this band out of the northeast and onto the global musical map, my outlook is a bit different.

Life on the road is fun and exhilarating, but financially difficult for someone in my position.  Making ends meet has become increasingly difficult, so it is with an extremely heavy heart that I announce my departure from Victory In Numbers.  For the last 15 years, this band has been my life, but there are people that need me now, and I am happy to take on the new challenge of giving my family the best possible life. 

I’ve loved every second of being the voice of this band.  I thank all of my Philadelphia friends and fans who were there from the beginning, as well as all the new friends and fans, and bands I met around the country.  This was an amazing ride for me, and new and more amazing things are awaiting the band in the future.  Brian, Joe, and Bruce will keep this dream going, and, in the true nature of this band, will hurdle this adversity and come out better for it.  I love them three guys and will be in the front row at their shows, and continue to be as much of a help to their endeavors as I can.

This is also not the last you will hear from me.  I will forever continue to write and record music, and if anyone wants to contact me for advice, tips, or you just have a question about the journey, I’d love to talk to you.  I do urge that this is not because of in-fighting, or a big blowout argument.  This was a difficult decision I had to make for the greater good, and frankly, I’m so much more focused and more present in the lives of my children than I’ve ever been.  Brian, Joe, and Bruce will continue to be my best friends as they always were, and I hope everyone will continue to support them as they begin this new chapter in global domination.

Thank you everyone!

Nick Passio

Call the WAHmbulance!

When I was young I wanted to be something special.  I had modest dreams: rock stardom, award-winning writer, world class athlete, porn star - you know, what every kid dreams of. 

I always wanted to be extraordinary.  The fact is, as with most people, I probably won't be.  After years of insane depression, self-medication, and denial, I'm finally comfortable with that.  For a long time I hated myself because I thought I wasn't special.  Oh, by the way, if you have similar thoughts... DRINK heavily... it helps.  For years I pissed off my wife with my constant self-loathing.  She was supportive as hell, but after awhile she couldn't grasp why I kicked the mental shit out of myself.

Now I have a clear head, and I see that (cue the music), I'm pretty fuckin' cool.  Depression hit me hard and young - like a priest.  When I say I'm cool, I mean that I finally like myself.  I'm a pretty interesting guy with alot of talents, and I've finally convinced the voices inside my head to believe that.

If you have friends with similar thoughts, be patient.  When I would get upset I would shut down.  My thoughts were often irrational and unpredictable, so it was hard to ask me to be rational in dealing with them.  I wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong, and it frustrated the people that cared about me. 

Normally I would say that depression isn't an illness.  My modus operandi is to make fun of things so I don't have to deal with them.  But this was one of the hardest things to shake and I'm honestly still not completely over it.  My point here is that you have to accept what you CAN be.  What you want to be is attainable if you give it your all, and if you're good at whatever it is.  I like who I am now.... I'm a musician, a father to two amazing kids, a husband to a woman that I frankly owe my existence to, and I do my best everyday to be myself.

I know this read like some lame ass after school special, but I'm tired of hating who I wasn't.  Not everyone can be Kurt Cobain, Hemingway, Peyton Manning, or Ron Jeremy... Deal with it... Be your fucking self because you will be spending alot of time with yourself... loser....  haha!

Anyway....

I peed in a cup today... it was fun.

Rum Tastes Better In The Afternoon

Yesterday was a great day for me.  I wrote my little synopsis on why gays shouldn't be beaten over the head with shovels... more or less.... It worked!  I had a great debate on Facebook about the pros and cons of gay parents adopting, who should judge whom... it was great!

I don't want to be the spokesperson for gay rights, but I do want it to be talked about.  The best way to make a change for the better is to not be afraid to discuss it.  I hope that the people that read my 'article' talked to their friends about it, and so on and so forth.  These things exist, people!  They aren't going to go away and that's why I will use the bully pulpit of the internet to force my not-so-humble opinions down your throat!  Hell, everyone else does it, why can't I?

I wanted to start this blog for a couple reasons:

1.  I have very strong opinions about serious topics that people often ignore, or won't be truthful.  These opinions are often controversial, but valid nonetheless.
2.  The ability to shroud myself in the anonymity of the internet so I can be as bare-bones about it as possible.
3.  I'm a narcissist with time to kill.

I don't much care if people like my opinions, but I think they will.  In the future of this thing, I will be dead honest about whatever I feel like talking about, and yesterday proved that.  I love doing this, and I will continue doing it!!  I also don't want you to expect that I'll be ranting and raving about something negative everyday... though that is highly likely.

It's Friday.  I've had a very busy day, and I'm on my 2nd celebratory glass of rum and coke.  Maybe Monday I will tell you why it's celebratory.

So have a great weekend.  Tell someone you haven't spoken to in a while that you love them....
Tell someone you haven't seen in a while you miss them....

I got a message yesterday from someone that was really unexpected and it meant the world to me... Sometimes we take our family and friends for granted.  Sometimes we get so caught up in ourselves that we forget to acknowledge others.... Don't do that.

I love you, thank you for reading, and I look forward to continuing this thing and getting your feedback on it.

Love,
Your oily neighbor... Nick

I Slept With A Dude And All I Got Was 'The Gay'

There are so many things in this world that should piss us off.... Debt, unemployment, bills, government, The Rubik's Cube... It boggles my mind that people will go to such lengths just to berate and destroy the lives of certain people and certain groups.

Listen, I'm no saint.  I drink, I smoke, I curse (by the way, I can tell this one will be a doozy with the language - beware). I've also used some hateful words and laughed about it. I'm not proud of that, I'm just being honest. But aside from the recent domination of the headlines, today I will be talking about... duh duh duuuuh... GAYS.

If there's one thing television is proving, it's that gay culture is becoming much more accepted.  Shows like Will & Grace, The 'L' Word, and The Teletubbies (See Fig. 1a) are forcing the stubborn public to at least take notice.

                                                                Fig. 1a - So Gay!

I have a family member, we'll call him... Anonymous Family Member A, who I watched struggle with his own sexuality.  When I first met him, he was a bitter, quiet, short-tempered bastard who only left his room to eat.  Now, we all knew he was gay, but he was closeted.  I think he was 18 when he finally came out, and his entire temperment changed.  You could see the relief in his face.  He was happy, vivacious, and FABULOOOUS!  I was so proud of him as were - most of - his family.  Shortly after, Anonymous Family Member A had several shitty relationships until he found one that he enjoyed, and now he and his boyfriend live together.

I promise I have a point.... I have certain problems with homophobia that I will debate here.

1. "BEING GAY IS A CHOICE"
                     Woah there fictitious gentleman saying the above phrase!!  I hate this statement, I really do.  Gay people are often ridiculed by their peers, shunned by there parents and family, and tortured by their own feelings of alienation.  That's like CHOOSING to be diabetic - or some other genetic issue that makes you 'different'... These kids are often hated.... HATED by their own parents because of their parents' own feelings of inadequacy.  Being gay is one of the hardest lifestyles to deal with, especially because it surfaces mostly in the tender throws of puberty. Who would choose that?  Hell, if being gay is a choice, thats like choosing to be ME (My mom hates me and I'm straight as an arrow!).

But I digress....

2. "GAYS SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED"
                      Why do you give a fuck???  As comedian Louis CK said, "you don't have to attend the wedding, or buy them a gift."  Let gays get married and be miserable like the rest of us!  If two people love each other to the point where they want to drain every last drop of patience, pride, and dignity out of each other for the rest of their lives.... Fuck 'em!

3. "I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE GAY, JUST DON'T HIT ON ME!"
                      First off, your thinly veiled bigotry isn't fooling anyone.  You care very much if people are gay to the point where you don't even want to view them.  Anyway... What are you talking about???  Your looks have transcended sexual preference. You should be flattered... you are the Meghan Fox of dick... Everyone wants to fuck you!  I say kudos to you sir!

4. "GOD HATES FAGS"
                     Well then, God's an asshole... actually check that... The antiquated assholes that can't interpret the lessons of the bible and adapt them to today's circumstances are weeping, degenerate, spiteful, probably-fighting-their-own-gay-tendencies, ASSHOLES!  Gays add so much to the fabric of this society it's incredible... What have you done besides hold up a hateful sign at a gay kids' funeral... Douche... Sorry...

The bottom line is this: ___________  <---- haha, you'll get that later....

Seriously though, I saw a picture that summed up everything I feel about this issue.  It was a billboard on an English byway that said: "Some People Are Gay, Get Over It."  I'm straight. I have a wife and two children, and I'm very happy with them... especially because my wife is hot!... BUT, stop hating people for shit they can't change about themselves.  Whether you approve or dissaprove of their lifestyle, they are human beings who are amazingly beautiful people inside and out.  If you had a gay child how would you treat them?  Thankfully now, as I said before, gay culture is becoming pop culture.  There is still a ways to go, but at least it helps. 

Side note - Artie Lange had a funny joke about thinking there is TOO much gay content on TV.  He said, 'It's gotten to the point now where if you're not gay.... You're a fucking fag!'  I thought that was funny....

Side Side note - My wife is hot!! (See fig. 1b)

Fig. 1b