I Was Born This Way

I had this great plan.  I spent the last couple of days recording some new songs I had written, with hope of putting out music for a new project.  After the eighth or ninth time I rushed to the computer to get little to nothing done, I'm feeling like I always do.... like an abused girlfriend who keeps coming back to the abuser.  Music feels more like a prison than a creative outlet. 

I started a page on Facebook for this new project I called '1FM'.  The idea behind it was going to be a collective of musicians contributing to one record of songs I had written.  Also there would be photographers and podcasts, yadda yadda.  The truth is.... I'm putting so much time and energy into something I have become completely numb to.  Frankly, the one thing I am pretty good at - writing and arranging songs - seems like it's taken my whole life and left me nothing to show but tattoos and cell phone pictures.

I am quickly losing my grasp on who I am.  Music was my identity, but now it seems trivial.  What do I mean to this world? Am I simply waiting to die?  I try to be a good parent, but does that just perpetuate the circle of failure?  The world right now seems very large, and I am feeling quite insignificant.  I would like to think I have a gift to give the world, that I matter in the grand scheme of things... but do I?? It seems more likely that after my grandchildren grow up, I will be merely a memory. 

Ugh..... Maybe the weather is getting to me, but there has to be more.  I don't mean in a 'higher power' sense, but... just... more.  I've been busting my ass for a long time, and it just seems as though everyone else around me is having such an easier time with life than I am.  Maybe it's me.  Maybe I can't adjust as the world revolves.  Sometimes I swear I can feel it moving under my feet. 

I enjoy my job, love my wife, and am so proud to watch my children grow... but I am feeling now that my time is over.  My task now is to simply help them be the best people they can.  With my state of mind at the moment, that just seems like a neverending cycle where no one excels.  I'm feeling like I wasted alot of my life.  I feel like I've failed.... I'm hanging up the guitar for awhile... if not forever... I'm not going to spend one more second being flogged by my own obsession.  At least when you go hunting you come back with a buck... maybe a new hobby.... maybe not.